The complete true story of the daring exploits of the one and only Frogwoman!
(Yes, I totally borrowed that from Superman issue 1)
Recap: A cretin on the East Coast of Australia, determined to push her mental boundaries and physical limits, Frogwoman had begun life as a normal human but morphed into a disgusting monster after torturing her ego to an extent from which it would never recover. And after buying some hilarious-looking frog goggles.
Believing herself invincible, and fancying that she had become ‘the champion of the oppressed’ – the hero of sh*t athletes everywhere – she was unaware that her feeble attempts at (dun dun duuuun) TRIATHLON TRAINING had taken over her life, until one day she could no longer return to the simple, humble beginnings she had once known. She would forever be… FROGWOMAN
Episode Issue Day 121 (or thereabouts)
FADE IN: Frogwoman is typing at her desk. There is a cute dog asleep at her feet and crumbs of chocolate cake all over the desk. A blistering hot sun is visible through the window. It is a normal day for our super-villain.
CLOSE-UP: Frogwoman’s expression is ‘serious thinking face’ and we can hear her serious thoughts ramble hap-hazardly through her mind.
Frogwoman pauses, looks into space, carefully pondering this latest thought. She seems pleased with herself. Because she is a fool who thinks she has discovered you can’t die of embarrassment.
She returns her focus to the keyboard in front of her and taps out a few more words, before triumphantly slamming her hand down onto the ‘enter’ key.
FROGWOMAN SPEAKS: Great work, Frogwoman! You are so clever! Another blog post done and dusted! Time for chocolate cake and beer!
Flashes, alarms and generally offensive sights and sounds interrupt this last comment, saving us from a steep descent into a story about ‘fat drunk Frogwoman’. We zoom in to a front view of Frogwoman’s ‘reality check face’ which is a picture of agony and regret.
FROGWOMAN: Damn you, triathlon! No cake, no beer. Swimming it is.
FADE IN: Swimming pool scene, about one hour later. There are
literally virtually hundreds of thousands of sleek athletes everywhere. King Kirk stands at one end of the pool, instructing the pod of dolphins that seem to swim every evening. Frogwoman is clearly confused and annoyed by the dolphins’ apparent ability to swim for hours every night, possibly never sleeping but going straight to school the next day. Frogwoman is wearing a cheap swimming costume and a swimming cap with a snail on it, which looks very comical on a frog.
SLOW SCAN: across the pool lanes, to demonstrate that no lanes are free.
CLOSE UP: Frogwoman analyses the public lanes and calculates which of the lanes is occupied by the least good swimmer. It is a lane being used by Turtleman – a man who looks disturbingly like a turtle.
FROGWOMAN: Can I share your lane with you?
CLOSE UP ON TURTLEMAN: who grunts, and puts his thumb up.
LONG SHOT: Frogwoman jumps into the pool, watched closely by Turtleman who has stopped swimming to witness the event. Frogwoman can’t do her usual breathing practice because even her massive ego can’t withstand the embarrassment of bobbing her face in and out of the water while Turtleman watches from less than 30cm away. So she skips breathing drills and begins swimming with immediate regret.
VOICEOVER: Oh sh*t. I have forgotten my ear plugs. I can’t turn back now, Turtleman will think I am an idiot. Ego says push on. And go fast; look like a real swimmer for once will you? Turtleman is behind you. Keep to the left of the lane. Don’t drown.
DRONE SHOT: We see the pool from above, where Frogwoman swims rather messily but fast enough to stay ahead of Turtleman. They swim up and back, and up and back. It is about to get really boring, when without warning Turtleman stops and exits the pool. Frogwoman smiles an evil kind of grimace, and also hauls herself out of the pool to go and find her ear plugs. She shakes her head like a puppy as she goes.
KING KIRK: (From afar) Hey there stranger! Nice work in the pool tonight!
Frogwoman leaps over to Kirk, who apparently suddenly remembers he has something really interesting to look at in the pool and seems to be trying to avoid Frogwoman’s gaze.
KING KIRK: Er… yeah… so er… your head is in a much better line tonight. You have about half your skull out of the water which is perfect.
Frogwoman thanks Kirk and turns to get back into the pool. At which point we zoom in on her face.
CUE TERRIFYING MUSIC
Frogwoman’s face is covered in snot and make up and earwax, cleverly mixed into a dripping, messy paste by the pool’s chlorine-urine-sweat mixture. It look as though the snail on her cap has consumed an entire make-up counter and then pooped it onto her face. Frogwoman’s new eyes don’t quite fit correctly and she looks like a semi-drowned turd. The effect is made more disturbing by her obvious disorientation, caused by the semi-fast swimming she did whilst her ears were sloshing with water.
Frogwoman is devastatingly unaware of the ugliness she has brought upon the pool.
She jumps back in and swims on. It is only a matter of time before the embarrassment catches her.
FADE IN: Changing room scene. The toilet block is old, the mirror is cracked and the lighting is poor. But it is enough to see our super-villain get her comeuppance. Frogwoman stands in the middle of the floor, staring at the mirror. The mood is solemn. She sinks – finally defeated – to her knees and raises her arms up to the air as if relenting to the Triathlon Gods. A terrible wailing noise echoes through the walls.
FADE OUT with wailing ringing in our ears.
FADE IN: A cemetery. A lonely tombstone stands in un-clipped grass, with a dying flower laid next to it. Etched into the stone is ‘The End for FROGWOMAN, Who Died of Embarrassment’.
As the credits start to roll, a wise voice booms across.
VOICE OF WISE OLD MAN: Boys and girls, today’s story shows us that you can indeed die of embarrassment if you continue to push your luck. Remember, take your mascara off before you go for a swim in the pool otherwise you, too, might end up like Frogwoman – who is now dead, may the Triathlon Gods rest her pathetic soul. Good night.